


Piece of Your Heart

by Kkane88



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Chicago Blackhawks, Dylan is sad, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 11:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18940213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kkane88/pseuds/Kkane88
Summary: Continuation of the "Gentle Hug From Behind" prompt from my "Little Touches" collection.Dylan is struggling with feelings of inadequacy.





	Piece of Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I read a fic where Dylan called Alex "Kit" and I fell in love, so that's the nickname I used for this.
> 
> Song title from Piece of Your Heart by Mayday Parade. Go listen to it, it's the best.

Dylan’s  _ exhausted _ . He had been thrilled when he was drafted by the Coyotes: seeing a future ahead of him playing in the NHL, on the same ice with his best friends, if not on the same team. Watching Davo and Marns and Kit succeed on their teams and become big shots had made Dylan  _ so, so happy.  _  He thought he could join them. And then the reality set in. He couldn’t find his place in Arizona. Being sent back and forth between leagues was expected at first. He wasn’t too worried. But time went on and Dylan just never… clicked. His skating wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t scoring like he should have been. He finally made it to the big show and then he just...flaked. He started thinking they had made a mistake with his draft pick. Maybe he shouldn’t have been drafted at all. He should have just stayed in juniors where he belonged, destined to watch his friends, his Otters, become the players that go down in history.

Not that he was any less happy for them. They worked hard and earned their places on their teams. It just made it a little harder when Dylan tried and worked just as hard but just didn’t see the same results. He kept in touch with the boys at first. They would talk about hockey and their teammates and point streaks and then try and reassure Dylan that he would “find his footing” and “you’ll see, Stromer, it’ll work out.” He just couldn’t handle it anymore. So he stopped calling. And so did they. Except Alex. It was always easier with Alex. He never brought up hockey unless Dylan did first. They would spend their time talking about movies or their families, or any number of irrelevant things. Sometimes they would fall asleep talking to each other late at night. It never felt weird or anything and Dylan allowed himself that one luxury. He would keep everyone else at a distance until he either found his place or died trying, but he would keep Alex.

“Dylan?” Alex says with the tone of someone who had been repeating himself and Dylan is torn out of his thoughts.

“Sorry. Just got lost in my head for a minute.” Dylan responds, laughing it off. He doesn’t want to burden Alex with all of this. Not when Alex is doing so well. It wouldn’t be fair.

“Be careful in there.” Alex jokes. “We wouldn’t wanna have to send a search party.” Dylan musters a laugh that he knows sounds fake. There’s silence on the line for a moment while he tries to think of something witty to say back but the moment passes. There’s a heaviness between them; a tension that isn’t normally there that keeps growing until Dylan needs to say something before he bursts.

“I miss you, Alex.” It’s not what Dylan intends to say, but the honesty of it shocks him. He hasn’t connected with any of his teammates in Arizona- hasn’t really had a chance to with how much he’s been passed around. He knows the guys look at him and see a disappointment. They wanted someone worthy of a third overall draft pick and what they got was a loser who can’t score a goal to save his life.

“If only you could have been drafted to the Hawks.” Alex says wistfully, trying to lighten the mood. Dylan flinches. If he couldn’t play well for the  _ Coyotes _ there’s no way he would ever be good enough to play for the  _ Chicago Blackhawks. _ Being on the same ice as Kane and Toews and Seabrook and Keith and… literally any of them. The thought is intimidating, whether you’re playing with or against them. Alex deserves to be there, but Dylan never would. He should probably just hang up his skates anyway.

“Yeah, man, that would've been awesome.” is what Dylan actually says, before making his excuses and hanging up the phone. For the next few weeks he avoids Alex’s calls, knowing he shared too much the last time they spoke. He knows Alex wouldn’t make him talk about it, but he’s afraid of what else would slip out while his guard is lowered.

And then he gets the call. He’s Chicago bound with Perlini, the both of them traded for  _ Nick Schmaltz _ of all people and in what world is he worth that? Unless the Coyotes threw him in as a side offer, which seems much more likely. They probably would’ve done anything to get Dylan off their hands. He doesn’t call Alex. He knows he should but he’s sure Alex already knows about the trade and he doesn’t know what he would say. The plane lands just in time to watch morning skate and Dylan and Brendan are passed from teammate to teammate while introductions are made and he meets  _ Kane and Toews _ and then there are phone numbers exchanged and is this seriously his life?

And then there’s Alex, approaching Dylan with a hesitant smile like he doesn’t know how he’s going to be received. Suddenly Dylan regrets not calling him and he smiles shyly at Alex.

“Hey, Dyl.” Alex greets, pulling him in for a hug. It should feel awkward, since Alex can literally tuck his head under Dylan’s chin, but it’s amazing and familiar and reminds Dylan of home. “I missed you, man.”

“Hey, Kit.” Dylan responds softly and smiles. Dylan realizes in that moment that he hasn’t really smiled in months. He holds on to Alex for maybe a beat too long, but knowing that Alex is here… it makes Dylan feel like maybe things will be different here. Like this could be home. Not that it’s going to last long. He knows this is just a formality, bringing him to the locker room to meet the team, maybe joining a few practices or a game or two before they send him to Rockford. It’s best not to get too attached, but Dylan’s worried it’s too late for that.

“You’re gonna stay with me, right?” Alex asks. “I have an extra room. I mean, you can stay at a hotel if you want to, but I think it makes more sense for you to live with me.” The unspoken  _ while you’re here _ weighs heavy in Dylan’s mind, but he ignores it. He won’t be here long enough to need his own place.

“Yeah, that’d be great.” Dylan agrees. “Thanks, man. I’d love to see Ralph.” Alex’s smile is blinding and Dylan returns it. It’s hard not to in the face of all that joy. Dylan chats with Hayden and Saad while he waits for Alex to shower and change, and then they’re on their way.

Dylan is attacked when they get to Alex’s apartment, but this is the kind of attack that he’s okay with.

“Ralph, get down!” Alex demands, but the dog doesn’t budge. Dylan gets on the floor and gives him some well-deserved belly rubs while Ralph wiggles happily. This is why Dylan loves dogs. They don’t want to talk about hockey or trades or Dylan’s performance on the ice. They just want to be loved and petted and cuddled and that’s something Dylan can do. Alex shows him to the guest room and Dylan doesn’t even bother to unpack, just throws himself down on the bed facefirst.

“I’ll wake you up for dinner, yeah?” Alex checks and Dylan makes some sort of noise of agreement before slipping into unconsciousness.

The next few weeks are crazy. He’s playing hockey with some of the best players in the world and no one ever acts like he doesn’t belong. No one looks at him like they’re waiting for him to mess up; they invite him out with them after games and buy him drinks and Alex is always just  _ there _ , just by his side all the time and it’s amazing. Which is why Dylan waits for the other shoe to drop. He stops scoring, barely getting any points at all and he knows any day now he’s going to get the call that they’re sending him down. It steals his breath away sometimes. He knows he’s not good enough and they know he’s not good enough so why don’t they just send him away already? The waiting is driving him insane.

These are the thoughts that are running through his mind on repeat as he’s laying in bed tonight. They had won the game tonight, solidly beating the Flames 4-2, but Dylan didn’t have a single point and when the boys had asked him to go out with them he declined, saying he wasn’t feeling well. Alex had been concerned, but Dylan waved him off and practically forced him to go out with them. He’d had two goals, he deserved to celebrate. And doesn’t it just make Dylan a crap friend that he’s not celebrating with Alex? Add that to his never-ending list of failures. Dylan feels tears stinging the back of his eyes and doesn’t bother to stop them from falling. No one’s around to hear him so he lets loose the sobs that have been sitting in the back of his throat for months. He feels pathetic. He’s in the NHL; he’s literally living the dream that he’s had since he was a child. And now that he’s here, all he wants is to be home with his family not having to worry about points or winning or making it to the playoffs. To be able to talk to his friends without feeling jealousy or sadness or anger or anything else they don’t deserve just because he’s failed. He’s cracking under the pressure. He would hate himself if he were anyone else looking in. In fact, he does hate himself. He’s gotten what so many people in the world want and aren’t able to have and he’s throwing it away like it doesn’t even matter. He feels like an entitled, stuck up prick and that just makes him cry harder.

“Dyl?” Alex says from the doorway. Dylan flails so hard he almost falls off the bed, hastily wiping tears off his face and clenching his teeth to keep quiet. He hadn’t heard Alex come home. “What’s going on?” Alex looks really worried, frozen in the doorway like he isn’t sure if he should come in or not. Dylan tries taking deep breaths to calm down and be able to speak, but he can’t get anything past the lump in his throat. Alex walks over to the bed slowly and sits, leaning against the headboard next to him. Dylan can’t look at him. Even with the lights off, he knows he looks like a mess and, although Alex smells like a bar, he doesn’t seem drunk. There’s no hoping that he won't remember this tomorrow.

“Sorry.” Dylan manages to choke out. “Didn’t hear you come in. Where’s Ralphie?” He’d been counting on Ralph to warn him of Alex coming home, but the dog is nowhere to be found. Alex hesitates for a second before laying a hand on Dylan’s arm. Dylan wants to lean into it, press into Alex’s space and just  _ breathe _ but he  _ can’t _ .

“He’s in my room. What’s going on, Dyl?” Alex asks again. Dylan moves, laying down with his back to Alex. He can’t have this conversation right now. Not while he feels rubbed raw. He shouldn’t have let himself fall apart like this in Alex’s apartment. Alex follows him down, and Dylan shouldn’t be surprised, but he is. Alex slips an arm over his waist and presses close, resting his forehead on the back of Dylan’s neck.

“What am I doing here?” Dylan asks softly, gaining courage from knowing Alex can’t see his face. He can feel Alex’s confusion in the silence. “I don’t belong here, Kit.”

“In… the apartment?” Alex asks hesitantly. Dylan chokes out a laugh.

“No, man. In the NHL. It’s not gonna last. They’re gonna send me down.” Dylan lets his self-pity spiral just for a minute, knowing Alex will let him have this. “Maybe I should just go home. Give up. I’ll never be good enough.” Dylan’s gaining steam, preparing to launch into all of the reasons he should go home, when Alex tightens his arm around his waist almost painfully. “You should just forget about me.” Dylan settles on and all of the fight goes out of him. He slumps back further into Alex’s arms as tears start falling again. Alex is quiet for a long time, and Dylan would be worried he’d fallen asleep if it weren’t for the tension in his body.

“I don’t even know where to begin, Dylan.” he says finally, and Dylan tenses. Maybe Alex had just been waiting for him to realize all of this before he agreed and sent Dylan packing. Alex is a good friend. He would never  _ tell _ Dylan that he’s nothing, but he wouldn’t lie to him either. The fear doesn’t last very long before Alex starts speaking again. “You’re  _ amazing _ , Dylan. I just… don’t even know… have you been thinking this the whole time you’ve been here? What did they  _ do to you _ in Arizona?” Dylan tries to pull away but Alex holds him impossibly closer. Alex sounds  _ broken _ ; like he’s physically distressed, and Dylan hates himself for making Alex sound like that. He should never have said anything.

“Alex can we just… I’m tired. I just want… to sleep. Please.” He begs. With any luck, Alex will have forgotten this by tomorrow. Maybe Dylan can sneak out after he goes to bed. Buy a ticket home. Run.

“We’re going to talk about this in the morning. First thing.” Alex finally agrees hesitantly, and Dylan resigns himself to his fate. “Okay? I can’t believe you’ve-” he cuts himself off, sighing heavily. “In the morning.” Dylan waits for Alex to move, to go back to his room, but he doesn’t. He has a fleeting thought that Alex could read his mind about running away and is staying to make sure he doesn’t go anywhere. But for now, Dylan relaxes into Alex’s arms and lets his eyes shut, sleep following soon after.

~~~

Dylan wakes up when he feels his pillow starting to move. He blinks his eyes open in confusion and takes in his surroundings. The events of last night flood into his mind and he feels cheeks starting to heat up. Sometime during the night he and Alex had moved so that Dylan was cuddled up to Alex’s side with his head on his chest. He pulls away and glances up as Alex slides off the bed.

“I’m gonna walk Ralph and then come back and make breakfast, ‘kay?” Alex asks seriously. Dylan knows he’s not going to be able to get out of this conversation. Alex is silently telling him not to go anywhere and Dylan is too emotionally exhausted to try. He nods and Alex quirks a smile at him before pulling the blankets back over Dylan and then pushing his hair back away from his face. It should make Dylan feel like a toddler, but he just feels safe. “Be back soon.” Alex says softly before leaving the room. Dylan doesn’t move. If he was a good roommate he would get up and make breakfast so it would be ready when Alex came back. He would offer to go walk Ralph with him or would do some laundry or clean up or something. As it is, he’s a terrible roommate and a terrible human and all he does is go back to sleep.

Dylan wakes up some time later to find a glass of water on the nightstand. He drinks it gratefully and then listens for Alex. He can hear him moving around the apartment and the pitter patter of Ralph’s paws on the floor. He’s debating getting up or waiting for Alex to come to him when the bedroom door opens. Before Dylan really has time to look over, there’s a wet nose in his face and a small, fury body on top of him. He giggles helplessly and gives Ralphie his scritches. Dogs, man. That’s all Dylan wants: to be surrounded by dogs all day every day.

“Are you hungry?” Alex asks, and Dylan realizes he’s standing next to the bed.

“Not really.” Dylan responds. He’s feeling a little nauseated and he’s a little worried he’ll vomit if he eats right now. Alex looks like he wants to argue but he doesn’t, instead making Ralph leave the room and shutting the door. He comes over and lays down next to Dylan again, the two facing each other on the bed. “I’m sorry, Kit.”

“Stop apologizing to me. The only thing you should be sorry for is not telling me sooner.” Dylan flinches back and Alex immediately reaches out. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just wish you had talked to me about this, Dyl. How long have you been feeling like this?” Dylan sighs.

“I don’t know when it started. It just sucked, y’know? I wasn’t good enough to play in Arizona and they kept trying to help me get better but I just  _ couldn’t _ be better and nothing I did worked.” Dylan did his best not to look at Alex, but he was started when Alex took both of his hands and held them between them.

“Dyl, it’s not your fault that you didn’t mesh well with the team. They didn’t know how to play to your strengths there.” Alex tries, but Dylan shakes his head.

“They shouldn’t have to play to my strengths! It’s the NHL. I need to be able to play where they put me.” That makes Alex grunt in disagreement, but Dylan continues. “I can’t just be as good as the people around me. I have to be good on my own.”

“Dylan, it’s a team sport.” Alex argues. “Win together, lose together. Everyone has things they’re good at and things they’re not good at and  _ everyone _ is only as good as the people they’re playing with. Your style didn’t fit in Arizona, maybe, but now you’re here. You’re playing beautiful hockey here, can’t you see that? They’re not going to send you down.” Dylan whimpers at that. How can Alex know that? There’s no guarantee.

“I don’t deserve to be here.” Dylan says softly.

“Bullshit.” Alex denies fiercely. “If you don’t deserve to be here, then I don’t either. You and I have worked hard to be here so if you go, I go. How’s that, Dylan?” Dylan is struck speechless by the conviction in Alex’s words. As the silence stretches, Alex softens. “You’re  _ so good,  _ Dylan. It hurts that you can’t see that. The Hawks see it. I was talking to Jonny the other day and he was saying how happy he was that our line clicks so well and how good we’re playing. You were the missing piece.” Dylan finally meets Alex’s eyes, searching for the truth in his words and finding it. Alex believes this. And even though Dylan knew that Alex would never lie to him, it’s another level, knowing that Alex believes in this, believes in  _ him _ so fiercely.

“You think so?” Dylan asks in a small voice. He may not believe it himself quite yet, but maybe for now he can borrow some of Alex’s belief. Alex seems to have enough to spare.

“Yes.” Alex says simply, his eyes not leaving Dylan’s. Alex frees one of his hands and reaches out, resting it on Dylan’s cheek. “You’re amazing Dyl. You’re an amazing person. I’ll fight anyone who ever made you think different.” Dylan believes him, too. Alex looks ready to go up in arms against the entirety of the Arizona franchise and it makes Dylan smile.

“I’d prefer if you’d just stay here with me.” Dylan teases and some of the tension bleeds out of Alex’s shoulders as he smiles. Alex sits up, leaning over Dylan and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.

“I’m not going anywhere.”


End file.
